Saturday, December 6, 2014

What if

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, 
Just wanna be happy
   - Leona Lewis, Happy            

I had this Leona Lewis song on repeat last night. Anyone who passed by my room had most probably heard me singing, albeit terribly off key, my heart out. 

I suppose if you look into the lyrics closely, this song could be interpreted in different ways. It could be about love and passion or even about chasing your dreams. When this song was released, I was in my early teens. The issues I'm dealing with in my life then include trying to get over my low self-esteem, not letting peer pressure rule my life and of course, trying to catch the attention of my crush; but, that's beside my point. What I'm trying to say is that, isn't it intriguing that depending on which phase you're going through in your life, you tend to see things differently.

14-year-old me just wants a smile or a glance from my former crush and she just wants to fit in instead of feeling like an outsider. Now that I think about it, he isn't even worth my time. Also, I don't think about trying to fit in anymore; I just want to be me.

And now, all I want to do is to keep chasing my dreams. I know that it's not gonna be easy but I want to at least give it a shot and not have any regrets about it.

When I think back to some decisions I've made and some actions I took in the past, I'm always plagued by the question - 'what if?'.

What if I didn't give up?

What if I'd tried harder?

What if I'd listened?

What if I took this other option?

What if...

I have tons more What If questions and some regrets over my past actions and decisions. It's kinda sad that I only realised that a few days ago but I guess it's better late than never.

So, I decided to write this post as a reminder to myself to just go for my dreams and not to give up even if everything appears to be bleak. I am now determined to reduce the future What if questions I'd have in my life. Even if I'm in a situation that is not ideal, I want to at least try to make the best of it 'cause who knows, being placed in such a situation might be an important chapter in my life for me to grow and mature into an adult. Easier said than done, I know.

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